I went to pick up a friend of mine at Paddington recently. A few minutes into the conversation I almost greedily asked her what she thought of this blog- to which she replied, it was good in a pseudo intellectual kind of way (not quoting here). In my vocabulary, pseudo is really not a good word. Its the kind of word we used for people we thought tried to act smarter than they were- by talking about things they really didn't know/ feel about. But this wasn't me. I have said so, and I will again-- the way life goes, you come across things, views, information-- and the process of digestion is something I enjoy. I raise questions in my mind. I don't consider anything I have to say as pseudo but a process. Also, its my exercise in writing.
But I could be wrong, of course. Maybe my incessant babble is difficult for academicians or people totally averse to academics to understand. I really do appreciate everyone who told me I'm on the right track-- but in this case, none of that was helping. I couldn't stop wondering if I was talking for the sake of it. But the other side of my brain told me not to doubt, again, for the sake of it.
The amazing part of it is that we often stop, or stop long enough to doubt ourselves, because of fleeting words by someone else. Its the insecurity in us. Its the reality (which dawns too late at times) that not everyone can agree with us, but we need to agree with ourselves. If I'm sure, I should remain sure. I should budge because I feel the need, not because someone else might.
I sat at this keyboard for a long time staring at the typed words, wondering... Should this be a post or a draft in my email (that's where I was typing). But what sealed the deal for me was this: this is MY blog. It's really a part of me at 22. I love the media. I love politics, religion, and other things that influence and are influenced by it. I love questioning where it is all going.. where we already are. And thats the end of all the self reflection that will happen on this site. But I needed it. And so I did. How about that? I made progress from the start of this post to the end!!